Third Time’s the Charm

I’ve written this post about 3 dozen times at this point. I love when things are new and changing and that makes it hard to create. I’ll start the process and then revisit later and want to start everything over again. The first time I wrote my “first” blog post was in 2014. I was a 19 year old journalism student and I had created Mefingingfree so I would have an outlet to write my opinions. I wanted to improve my writing skills and establish a portfolio early on. After a few weeks it became apparent that my posts had no clear theme or consistency and I stopped posting. A year later I deleted everything and turned it into a travel blog. I was 6 months away from 22 days of backpacking through Europe and I wanted to write about my journey. Unfortunately life had a different plan for me. Over the span of the next year my flight to London was canceled, my friends and family asked me to postpone my trip because it was unsafe, my job begun to give me severe anxiety and I slowly spent my savings and available credit. Last August I did get the chance to take a road trip to Colorado and I spent 14 days on the road with my partner Cody. 

It releved my anxiety temporarily but I eventually had to go back to work. After months of blaming myself and dealing with the stress I finally quit my job for another offer. After a month I was informed that the job was going to be given to somebody else. So then I spent 3 months employed, broke and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life since I’d discovered that it’s not journalism. Now I’m not saying that my life is a sob story. As good as it feels to wallow and treat your problems as if they’re the worst in the world, I’m aware that having a flight canceled and working at an unfulfilling job isn’t the worst thing that could happen to a 20 year old. To me it hurt and that hurt felt real and serious but I know I’m so fortunate to have a family and partner that supported me and cared for me when I needed it. Now I do have a job again and I’ll eventually get to travel again. This story isn’t for me to say “woe is me”, this story is to explain how I got to where I am now. After years of planing for the later without ever preparing/working in the now, my entire life slowly crumbled down on me. I’ve discovered that I will never be one consistent theme and my writing won’t be either. I write when I’m passionate and I’m passionate about different things on any given day. So I’ve decided that I can’t put one label on my life or my blog because if I do I’ll spend all my life deleting and reposting until I “get it right”. I’ve also decided that I have no idea what I want. My goals and life vision are going to change hundreds of times before my life develops itself. A year ago I thought I would be a well traveled, thin, 21 year old that’s interning for some local news source. Instead I’m a part-time spa attendant, sitting at home eating macaroni & cheese and I want to be a park ranger one day. It’s not about “finding” myself it’s about building myself from the ground up. So for the third time I delete and try again. Welcome to the new Mefindingfree.

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